With the tragic events that happened yesterday in CT my mind has been thinking about the US, our world, the victims of what happened yesterday.
Yesterday I was away, and I was very grateful. I didn't want to sit and wade through everyone's opinions about the tragic events that took place yesterday. The truth is, WE WILL NEVER understand why HE did it. No one can get into the mind of a person that would commit such a crime.
But there's another issue that's been weighing on mind. I watched yesterday as people posted about gun control, the mentally ill, and how this ALL needs to stop. I was frustrated, appalled at the conversations happening around me.
Why is it so hard for us to stop what we're doing, and just remember those being affected by this tragedy, why is it so hard for us to be there for them, send a helping hand, and reach our hands out for comfort instead of talking about the issues, trying to find the answers.
We are all grieving as a nation right now, but the truth is: there are no laws, no services that could have helped the person that had done this whether if it was caught early or not.
I am saddened to see so many people going off on the "mentally ill." Yes, there are people out there that need help, and there are many more people out there thinking about tragic crimes that may happen in the future again.
But no amount of gun control laws, no amount of services, or help being provided WILL stop those people from committing such tragic acts. If it's in their mind, they will find a will, a power to make it happen if this is their last wish.
As the comparison between the mentally ILL. This one truly made me sick to my stomach. There are a variety of people out there with mental illness, and I know many of these people are capable of owning a gun, and I even know that the majority of those with a mental illness ONLY want to cause harm to themselves and "no one else." So, why are so people out there making a comparison to the mentally ill? But, sure, this is creating conversations, but if a person has never dealt with a person with a "mental illness" I don't think they are the ones that should be giving an opinion on the matter. They are the ones that shouldn't be making the decisions.
The other part, for people that so out there. In order to get help they must want to help. By this point in their lives they are so far in their own worlds, so much hatred has taken over them, that this last act is to show the "world" that they've had enough. How many times has a tragic crime happened and afterwards when people talk about the person you hear "they were such a good person, they were so quiet, kept to themselves?" Mental illness is getting a bad name. It is not something to be feared for, but it something that is VERY real in our world. Something that just shouldn't be covered up, but the people that are truly suffering may not even KNOW how to get help, may NOT even want the help. In order to get help they must want it, no one else can push it upon them, and that is a growing concern too. Do you realize how much work goes into trying to "better" yourself, and how much fear comes from admitting you have a problem?
It's because "it is so easy to do." People need something to blame, when in actuality, there is ONLY one person to blame, the person that CREATED this tragic crime. We sit here, looking for answers, trying to CONTROL what we CAN not control.
As far as gun control? Yes, it is our 2nd Amendment right to "Bare Arms." This law was created so the government could never become too powerful, for people, to bare arms, so if they need to overtake the government, they'd have the proper means to do so. It is there to protect us as a nation.
But again, any criminal, if the means and wants ARE so direly there, will find a way to create such a crime. If guns were banned completely, what would stop them from using knives, swords, or even fire to create heinous crimes? We are trying to STOP something that we JUST can not stop.
We are trying to UNDERSTAND something that we just can't comprehend. But the fact is, this person made a mark.
With any tragedy, the online world goes amuck, everyone has an opinion, and they won't shut up until it is heard. I am just sick to my stomach by the actions of everyone around me right now. I am sick of the conversations, of the opinions.
And of course, I just had to share my opinion too, didn't I?
Both of my parents always come down on me, "you need to stay in touch better. You have people that worry about you. You need to call us more."
However, when they do this, it pisses me off because 1) They never call me. and 2) Why is it always my responsibility to keep in touch?
Relationships are a two way street. Don't put the responsibility on a person who hates the phone, or the responsibility on someone who avoids the phone. The thing is, if any of these people call my phone, and I don't respond, and they leave a voicemail, I always call back, right away.
But the calling, all on my own, there's so much anxiety that happens inside me, that I avoid it. *sighs*
But yet, it's always my responsibility. My comment back is always this, "My phone is always open."
I have become a blogger. With this, opportunities have come my way, and I have loved every minute of it. I see bigger bloggers than myself really succeed...
and some, I just don't get it ;) LOL
But then I start to look at the big picture, and I become insecure. I'm an introvert, i feel I'll get forgotten, lost in the crowd, etc.
My personality won't shine through, but then I go to my blog and i write, and there, that is where I feel I shine.
But what if I realize that it gets lost in the crowd to, that I'm wasting my time..
I want to impact someone's life by my writing, but do I?
I have made some great online friends through this, and some great blogging buddies,
but here I am,
UGH... man, it's everywhere, in everything we do, we begin to judge ourselves, we think what we do isn't good enough, how do we get past this feeling? How do we keep going?
I think I'm going to track down a therapist to talk to about recent events in my life..
but, how does one go about picking one?
I looked up therapists in my zip code and an entire paged filled up of psychologists... how does one begin to choose?
The entire process is overwhelming to me.
You ever have that moment in your life where you just ask yourself, "perhaps it's me."
Perhaps the reason friends drifted away, perhaps the reason I'm not as close to my family as I should be. Perhaps it really just comes down to me. It is me.
I don't know anymore. There's a lot of pain inside me right now, as I think and reflect on my relationship with my mother, I wonder, could I have done things differently? What does she want out of me? And can I even go her that?
Or the fact that I had a rocky relationship with my dad? How could I have done things differently? My brother no longer has a relatonship with him, so he was also having the same emotions towards what happened at one time too.
When it comes to family, how do you get your family to accept you for who you are? What if t hey don't support your decisions, or who you've become? What happens then?
I don't know man... but all too much... perhaps I have just completely lost my mind.... :/
I have made a decision... that today, I will no longer allow my mother to hurt me, that today, I recognize my relationship with my mother, at this stage, is unrepairable.
And I now must learn how to live a life without her involved in it.
This decision has come after I received another harshly written email to me on her behalf. This one telling me to "grow up."
I must admit, I responded and put my foot down, and I responded harshly back. You can't take words back,, but I had had enough. The first line was, "I'll only grow up after you learn how to grow up yourself"
I know, it was very unprofessional, but they were my last words. I then blocked her email, and recognized that she would continue to attack me in this way, and only this way. And I had, had enough.
At what extremes will we take from other people before we won't put up with it anymore? At what extremes will the abuse grow to be too much?
Anyways, in order for me to become who I am meant to be, and for me to become a woman I am proud of, I must lift myself up, and not put up with abuse, of any kind.
I am working towards freeing myself from any debt. I'm roughly down to owning 14,000 in total. In 2 years, my students loans will officially be paid off, and that will be a great burden lifted off from my shoulders.
Now, here's to hoping to finding a better paying job to lift the burdens off my shoulders even faster.
Today, I have made a decision.
This past weekend was hard. It was the start of my period, for starters, but it was also Mother's Day. A reminder to me about how rough my relationship with my mother is right now.
If there's any good news that's coming out of it, it's the fact that my mom is also pissed off at my brother. An example of this? They went to my cousin's weekend the first weekend in May and didn't even talk to each other. :/
but, why has it come to this?
The story behind it all resides in a few blog posts back.
but it's residual disappointment in her children for not behaving the way she thinks they should. Instead, she's pissed off at us, and acting out. ;)
Anyways, as others shared stories about their mothers, or made phone calls or sent flowers, or had lunches I sat there thinking, "and my mother won't even talk to me."
I did send an email her way wishing her a Happy mother's Day, I am her daughter, and she did reply with one sentence, "thank you dear."
But even after all that,
my phone number is still blocked.
Has an officially new home as of today:
mn girl in la dot com
Of course, all one word ;0
I have to disguise myself here somehow ;0
and looking for something to read...
you should check out my blog...
minnesota girl in la dot com
We, as humans, rarely can admit our own mistakes. We, as humans, can rarely confront our very own demons. It is through the strength of others, and the support of others that we only truly begin to see the big picture.
Or, we just take ourselves out of the picture completely, and observe everything from afar to finally understand, to finally put the pieces back together.
I realize that the older I become, the less patient I am with some things.
I can recognize when a person is struggling. I can recognize when a person needs more help than I can give..
I can recognize when another is being disrespectful, and I can recognize the amazing strength in one another.
The older I become,
The more I begin to understand the world around me. Although I may not know you, and although some things I assume may be wrong, I recognize that I've become pretty damn accurate through observation.
I recognize things that annoy me. I recognize a cry for help, and I recognize when there is a need to feel loved.
I use to come to EP to write, to get things off my chest as I was going through a rough time. I recognize that others may use EP for the same reasons, that they are also going through a rough time.
I recognize that we are struggling through life together, and that each of our journies are different, none alike, but often times similiar.
I recognize the online world can bring people together nearly as fast as it brings them apart. I recognize a lot.
And all this, within just the past 2 years. How one change in a person's life can truly open another's eyes, and begin to see the world clearly. That is, only if you allow it.
I checked my email this morning and received an email for my mother:
She was all upset over someone I had friended on facebook. A long time family friend who she dislikes. Frankly, there is a lot of family drama on my mother's side, and I choose to stay out of it, and choose to get along with everyone.
Do I think she was a bit out of line with that email she sent? Yes! She threatened to unfriend me if I stayed friends with this person. I was like, "really, mom?" Really? Pretty sad to me.
Since moving out of the state I have only observed her behaviour, and it just makes me sad. She really is immature in a lot of ways. And I realize now how much she impacted me and my decisions in the past.
Frankly, everyone in my family did. My dad who was judgemental upon me with anything I did because I wasn't religious. My mom giving me an opinion on everything and having to live life her way, and my brother, who was always looking for an argument and an opinion to share. I look at the personalities of my family and I just realize, no wonder why I was so afraid to be myself, and no wonder why I was such a late bloomer.
Anyways. Just had to get this off my chest.
*UpDATE TO THIS STORY*
She then later added my brother into the conversation. My brother gave a great argument and reasoning as to his actions with the pictures, and explained that we were both unaware of her "shitlist" and were not mind readers.
She replied, got upset then ran off to facebook to post on my one of my brother's photos. By the time I got hime, her commet was gone, but my aunt had commeted saying something about: "it has not been printed." and my brother made a comment: "This picture is of me! Stop being PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE. Then the next comment, "oh, hi, my mom just unfriended me on facebook.
He then sent another email out to our mother explaining more, and it was completely polite, and he really stook up for me.
Anyways.... yesterday, while she was on facebook, she decided to post some fun:
My Promise to my childen ~as long as i live ~ I am your Parent 1st - your Friend 2nd. I will stalk you, flip out on you, lecture you, drive you insane, be your worst nightmare & hunt you down like a bloodhound when needed because I LOVE YOU! When you understand that, I will know you are a responsible adult. You will NEVER find someone who loves, prays, cares, & worries about you more than I do! If you don't hate me once in your life - I am not doing my job properly. Re-post if you are a parent & agree...
Re-posting . . . just because, sometimes we all need a reminder.
When does a parent realize their behavior is wrong, and that it's okay to have a honest, and open conversation with their children. A conversation that know longer has to be parent or child but adult to adult.
Feeling kind of like a piece of toilet paper right now - compliments of my children. Really liking the job I did as a mother - makes me oh so proud. They should call this site Slap You in the Facebook.
She's the one feeling like toilet paper when she was the one that sent the AGGRESSIVE email my way. Oh, speaking of, I will post that for you too. What I got to deal with right away in the morning yesterday. Does she feel she has no consequence for her actions?
Here's my opinion of bloggers - they are very one-sided. They go out and post their comments for all of the world to see and openly invite you to post your comments about what they said - but, what thy don't tell you is that they will only post your comments, if they actually like what you have to say. For this reason, I no longer subscribe to any blogs - bloggers, talk to the hand!!
Oh yes, this one was also directed at me to a comment she left on my blog that truly hurt me. Again, she doesn't expect consequence from her behavior. Just because she's my mother doesn't give me the right to treat me like shit. And yes, the email I woke up to:
Seriously? You are friends wmith xxxxx xxxxx on Facebook and giving her access to pictures of my mother? How dare you!! That woman was dead to me years ago - the day she tried to make my mother's funeral all about her. If you remain friends with her - please remove all pictures of me, my mother, and me as a friend - immediately. I will give you no other options on this one.
You know the even more sad thing about this? I had zero pictures up of my grandmother, and only 1 picture up of my mother of us as a family while I was a teenager. A picture that was taken with one of my cameras!
However, my brother recently scanned in an old photo album that my mom had allowed him to borrow to scan pictures from! So, yes he scanned the photos, and yes, he tagged me in those photos, but I'm getting yelled at by my mother for pictures I didn't even put up there.
Oh, and just so everyone knows, when it comes to family feuds, like friendships, I never pick sides. I get along with everyone in my family and I honestly will keep it that way!
All a woman wants to feel is special, but feeling special is overrated.
It doesn't happen as you grow up. Instead, you go deeper and deeper into the crowd just blending in... IN a world such as ours, a world such as ep as new, beautiful, younger women are always coming into view, always coming in with a strong personality, funny humor, or a breathtaking picture of beauty.
The guys will always go to them, always go to flirt with them, always go to flaunt.
Always go to look, to stare.
What does that say about our world?
The truth is, at any moment in time, any moment in life, we are replaceable.
In any moment, the world continue to moves on. And once the world move on, we only remain a memory for such a time before yes, before, we are all forgotten again.
We rarely leave a mark. We all create a live, live a journey, but as soon as it started, it has ended, and nothing is left to remember.
And therefore, the feeling of being special, never existed.
These seeds in my lonely heart filter out onto the ground hoping someone will pick them up along their way...
Alls I ever wanted was to fit in, in life. To fit in with a group of people.
I was so fixated on this,
that when I did,
I pushed those away.
It's what I do. I'm so scared of being judged, to disappoint, to let others down that I'm afraid to attach myself to them, to grow close.
7 years ago today my grandmother passed away. It happened quick and fast. A heart attack.
Know your body, know when something's wrong, and make that phone call because it could be the thing that deteremines life and death.
She was a wonderful woman. She had 9 children, she raised them. Her family is in Ohio, Minnesota, and Nevada, Miles apart, but each one of us loved her very very much.
She was a strong woman. She wasn't afraid to speak her mind, and she was very strict. As a teenager, I tested those boundaries, and I pushed her buttons, but when I look back now I just smile. She touched each of our hearts, each of our lives. And we all miss her very, very much.
One date, one person can change your life forever.
Remember to tell the ones you love that you love them, remember to call, remember to forgive. They may be taken far too soon before you're ready.
Do I come off as disinterested in people?
I have to be honest, in order for me to continue talking to a person I have to feel a connection, a vibe. It's a lot of energy for me to talk to other people and to connect. So I try to savor my energy for those that I have a good vibe connection with.
Is that stuck up? Does that come off as disinterested?
One of the other things I really hate is asking a question and getting a one word response, or a one sentence response. I asked the question because I honestly want you to go in depth, but very few people actually go in depth, so I avoid asking questions to people.
How do you get people to connect to you? How do you let people you genuinely care and are interested in them? Just because I don't ask questions doesn't mean I don't care. It's just that I don't like asking questions.
Do you ever get any FREE time to yourself? I mean, think between being a parent, or if not a parent, being in a relationship. You work, you come home, you're always around someone.
ARe you one of those peoples that need free time? Are you one that needs "me time"
How much of being around your partner can you handle?
A mother's love is suppose to protect you, be unconditional, and not say hurtful things.
A mother's love wants the best for you always, and even supports you, if they do not agree.
A mother's love is so important.
But what happens,
When you age, and that moment of where you question everything, comes to a head?
What happens then?
I am at this moment, I shake my head. I scoff. I cry. I laugh. I free myself.
But, no matter what direction I go,
alls I feel is pain.
Previous PostsJust a few thoughts: Gun Control, Right to Bare Arms, and the Mentally Ill, posted December 15th, 2012, 2 comments
This is what I don't understand,, posted August 25th, 2012, 4 comments
My insecurity, as of late., posted June 19th, 2012, 4 comments
Question., posted June 4th, 2012, 4 comments
Maybe it's me?, posted June 4th, 2012, 1 comment
Today., posted June 2nd, 2012, 2 comments
This past Mother's Day,, posted May 18th, 2012, 1 comment
My blog, posted April 5th, 2012, 1 comment
If you're ever bored, posted March 26th, 2012
Thought., posted March 8th, 2012, 1 comment
I realize..., posted March 8th, 2012, 1 comment
Holla!, posted February 26th, 2012
Special, posted February 4th, 2012
Seeds., posted January 30th, 2012
..., posted January 16th, 2012, 2 comments
A grandmother's legacy., posted January 6th, 2012
Do I?, posted January 5th, 2012, 3 comments
Question., posted January 5th, 2012
Just a friendly reminder,, posted January 5th, 2012, 1 comment
A Mother's Love., posted January 2nd, 2012
My Faults., posted December 31st, 2011
Families., posted December 31st, 2011
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